I’m a patient person on the whole. I’m happy to let the lady with the one bottle of ketchup take my place in the supermarket queue. I don’t beep my horn at the driver in front the minute the light turns to green. My temper wears a little thinner with cold-callers who telephone me just after I spent an hour getting my over-tired Munkie off to sleep. Even when pushed to my limit I tend to stamp my feet or have a little cry. I don’t resort to homicide.

But pigeons bring out the worst in me. I could quite happily wring their fat fluffy necks, one by one, until my garden is at last quiet. And scattered with little feathery corpses. It’s the noise they make. 4.11am this morning. huu HUUUU hu. huu HUUUU hu. It’s fine to begin with, but then it starts to fill up my head until I can’t hear or see or think of anything else. huu HUUUU hu. They sit on my chimney using it as an amplifier and the hooting echoes down and fills up the room. I’m sure they know about Physics. I go outside and glare at them, sitting far out of reach on the TV aerial. hu HUUUU hu. I throw a piece of gravel in their general direction, hoping to scare them off. It narrowly misses the bedroom window and the pigeons giggle contemptuously at me from their perch. huu HUUUU hu. huu HUUUU hu. I stomp back into the house and plot ways to kill them. Kill them all.

1. Get a gun and shoot them. I live in UK. We don’t have a written constitution, therefore no Second Ammendment. I’m going to get myself arrested and the pigeons would just love that.

2. Poison them. But the other prettier, QUIETER birds also come to eat from our garden. The occasional squirrel. A woodpecker here or there. And then of course, there’s Moon Munkie who has never been known to refuse food of any sort. I wouldn’t like to accidentally poison her (even if she did tell me, “Daddy is my favourite!” quite recently.).

3.Electrify the chimney and roof. I don’t think I need to spell out why this isn’t a good idea.

4.Get a cat. It might work in the long run. Mr Munkie doesn’t like cats. I don’t want to be pigeon AND husband free.

5.Buy a water pistol with a very long range. But my aim is bad and  I’m just going to make them laugh at me more.

Nothing I can think of seems to combine the efficient but deadly solution that I’m looking for. They are more persistent than I am, and cleverer than I am – especially at 4am. Probably, I’m going to have to learn to live with them.  Or make pigeon pie.



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